Yuugioh's SuperCool Descent into HELL!
by Des
Summary: Yugi is incredibly bored, and possibly on opium. So what does he do? Decides to solve a puzzle that creates a Portal into Hell!
1. A Puzzle That Is Clearly Evil

It was one of those bored nights.  
  
The clouds were thick and obscured the moon and stars, but didn't even give the city the pleasure of being rainy and thundry and lightningous (when you are bored enough, "lightningous" can be a word!) and in fact, it wasn't even nice and cool but instead was an agonizingly mellow sort of warm. Yes, it was dark, it was humid, the weather sucked, and Yugi Mutou was bored.  
  
"Lightningous," he muttered to himself, digging through the various exotic games in the back room of his grandfather's shop. The back room was where all of the neat games were kept, as well as a decent supply of opium, but that is not the point.  
  
The point is, Yugi wanted to find a new game to play, and a new game was found.  
  
It was a puzzle, made out of wood and some form of black leathery material. It was covered in some wicked cool symbols.  
It was clearly evil. Yugi was thrilled.  
  
"I found a puzzle to solve!" The boy squealed in near-orgasmic bliss. "It probably has nifty powers! As if I don't already have enough, but as I don't know what the hell they are -" he eyed the Sennen Puzzle. " - solving another one should be fun!"  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this particular puzzle, Aibou," his Yami informed him.  
  
"Mou hitori no boku," Yugi said flatly. "Gaaaaaaaaaaaame."  
  
He blinked in an innocently impossible to refuse way. Yami was convinced. Thus it came to be that a cute little spiky-haired fetish boy and the voice in his head scampered off to solve a clearly evil puzzle on their dining-room table.  
  
-YUUGIOH'S SUPER-COOL DESCENT INTO HELL!-  
  
"Oho!" came the voice of Sugoroku Mutou from behind his grandson. Grandpa had a habit of popping up randomly. When he wasn't in a coma, that is.  
  
"Grandpa!" Yugi blinked, looking over his shoulder. Sugoroku ignored the other Yugi hovering over his shoulder.  
  
"You've found a heathen puzzle made by bloody Satanists," Grandpa beamed. "Solving it opens a portal to Hell. Now give it back so I can sell it to some witchy goth kid."  
  
"Nevar!" Yugi stood, clutching the puzzle to his chest. "A good dose of evil is just what I need to kill the boredom!"  
  
He fled. His grandpa tried to pursue, but fell over with a cry of, "My hip!"  
  
Yugi decided that in order to complete the spiffy evil puzzle without his grandfather leering over his shoulder, he would toss it in his backpack and smuggle it into school. Where better to practise the occult?  
  
So!  
  
The next day, after school, Jounouchi, Honda, Anzu and Bakura found themselves crowding around Yugi's desk as he assembled the pieces of his new game.  
  
"You know, it seems as though whenever Yugi plays any kind of game, the world goes straight down the toilet," Honda remarked.  
  
"Yes," Yugi admitted. "But it's fun anyway."  
  
"It doesn't look like a hard puzzle," Anzu commented.  
  
"Does anyone care to make a bet on who loses their soul first?" Honda grinned, waving a hand.  
  
"Shut up, Honda!" yelled Jounouchi.  
  
"Try and make me!" He yelled back.  
  
Yugi placidly pieced together the doom-board, which Bakura seemed interested in and offered to help.  
  
"Nobody is going to lose their soul," Anzu growled.  
  
"What about bodies?" Honda suggested.  
  
"Guys, this puzzle is not going to steal your soul or your body," Yugi said calmly as he and Bakura worked on it.  
  
"There, see, Honda?!" Jounouchi argued.  
  
"It'll open a portal to Hell!" Yugi continued.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
And at that point, the final piece was set.  
  
"BOOSH" is the only word I can think of to describe what happened next. 


	2. YayMart Hell!

-YUUGIOH'S SUPER-COOL DESCENT INTO HELL! Chapter 2.-  
  
Darkness. Pure, engulfing darkness that let in no light. And then, his head spinning, Yugi stirred to find himself stretched out on a cracked, barren stretch of ground, surrounded by flames. Yep. It was Hell.  
  
"My head hurts," Jounouchi groaned, sitting up.  
  
"That," Anzu explained. "Is because a demon is gnawing on it."  
  
She pointed at his head, and there was indeed a spawny demon chewing quite rabidly at his scalp.  
  
"Shit!" He yelped, flailing madly at it. Honda and Bakura rushed to pry it off.  
  
"Something feels off," Yugi finally said as he stood to his feet.  
  
"The fact that we're in Hell might have something to do with it," Honda snapped, wrestling the little cannibal from a screaming Jounouchi's scalp.  
  
"Get your hands off me, you filthy human!" The demon shrieked, but in doing so, his jaw was released from Jou's head. He opted for biting off Honda's arm instead. Jounouchi continued to run around in a circle, screaming.  
  
"That's not what I meant," Yugi protested.  
  
"A little help?!" Honda demanded, waving his arm around.  
  
"Oh, allow me!" Bakura said, pulling out a small squirtbottle and spraying the demon. He reeled and scrambled away, with a cry of "Miserable fleshbag! Shakune will be back!"  
  
"Holy water," Bakura explained.  
  
"Why, exactly, do you just happen to have holy water?" Anzu asked incredulously.  
  
"Don't ask questions," Bakura pouted indignantly.  
  
"Oh come on!"  
  
"If you must know," He frowned. "I bought it at the gift shop."  
  
"See, that's what felt off," Yugi piped up. "The gift shop."  
  
"What gift -" Honda turned around, to see a small stand labeled 'Yay-Mart: Hell.'  
  
"I found it!" Jou exclaimed breathlessly. "When I was running around!"  
  
"And then he told me," Yugi added.  
  
"And then he told me and I got the holy water," Bakura finished with a nod.  
  
"There wasn't enough time elapsed for you to do all of that," Anzu pointed out.  
  
"This is Hell, moron," said a voice. "Time doesn't exist. You do what you want."  
  
"Kaiba?!" Honda demanded. "What're you doing here?!"  
  
"Business deal," He replied.  
  
"And he set up the gift shop!" Mokuba piped up. "For tourists!"  
  
"Why would Hell get a lot of tourists?" Bakura asked curiously.  
  
"Well, you're here, aren't you?" Kaiba retorted irritably.  
  
"They mostly just get witchy goth kids." Mokuba explained. "And nerds."  
  
"Incidentally, that's the majority of KaibaCorp's customers as well," Kaiba said. "So I'm going to buy Hell."  
  
Jounouchi blinked. "Whooooooooa."  
  
Yugi had occupied himself with browsing through the shop, and was currently poking a squeekable plushie of a Blue-eyes in a Satan costume.  
  
"Hands off the merchandise, you dweeb," Kaiba growled.  
  
A fireball was flung at the Yay-mart. The demon-kid known as Shakune had returned.  
  
"Humans don't belong in Hell unless they're damned and us demons can torture them!!" He ranted. "Go awaaay!"  
  
"Fucking twerp," Kaiba muttered, pulling out a utility-sized Blue-Eyes Super Soaker of Holy Water and showering Shakune with it. Shakune quickly retreated.  
  
"Okay," Yugi remarked. "I really don't see how you can get off calling me a dweeb, when everything you own is shaped like a Blue-eyes. Obsessed much?"  
  
"Shut the hell up, Yugi," Kaiba retorted. "My limo isn't Blue-eyes shaped."  
  
"But I bet your toilet is."  
  
Kaiba paused. He could not answer.  
  
" ....That's creepy," Jounouchi pointed out.  
  
"Shut up," Kaiba snapped. "I have better things to do than talk to you idiots about my BATHROOM. I have a deal to make with Señor Diablo."  
  
He flounced off in a girly manner. Everyone blinked. There was an awkward pause.  
  
"Let's buy more Holy Water, guys!" Yugi suggested happily. 


	3. Would you like a Kevorkian Scarf?

In the depths of Hell, there is lots and lots of fire. There are also rivers of blood, puddings of shit, and the toasty souls of the damned.  
  
There is also a monorail.  
  
It's a great red monorail that runs around a track and takes you anywhere in Hell worth going to. It is driven by a merry skeleton named Brian, and Kaiba was riding on it.  
  
He pushed a large red button to the left of his seat, and the monorail of doom came to a violent, screeching halt, giving the millionare a cheery "Ding!" as he tumbled out the front door. Brian waved good-bye happily and the monorail charged on, blaring "Domo Arigatou, Mr. Roboto." Kaiba grumbled and marched up to a desk.  
  
There wasn't a building anywhere. It was just a desk, and it was just there, and it had a receptionist/secretary person sitting behind it, talking on the phone. Her nameplate read 'Debra Banning.'  
  
"No," she said to the phone. "What? Listen, you tell the record companies that I don't CARE. If they're evil enough, they can thwart that goddamned KaZaA thing. Fucking kids. ...No, I understand that. ....Yes. ....Yes. ....Done. Just keep em' off my fucking back. ...Yeah. Hey! I gotta let you go, sweety, that's Starbucks on the other line. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Ciao."  
  
Debra pressed a button and talked on the other line. Kaiba waited impatiently in front of the desk, before finally yelling to get her attention.  
  
"Listen!!" he growled. "I have an appointment with the Devil, now get off the phone and tell me where he is!"  
  
Debra glared at the man, waving him off and continuing her business.  
  
"Tell me," Kaiba repeated angrily. "Where the Devil is."  
  
"Hang on, hon," Debra muttered into the reciever. She turned to Kaiba. "Mr. Satan is not ready to see you, sir. Kindly fuck off."  
  
"Listen, you wench," He hissed, pushing threateningly on the desk. "I need to talk to Satan. He hasn't been answering my calls. Tell him to get his bitch ass out here."  
  
She leered at him, before turning back to the phone. "We'll have to do this later, Merv," she said simply, and hung up the phone. She sighed irritably, opened her desk drawer, and pulled out a pack of smokes, drawing one out. She held it out to the side of her desk, from which a huge lick of flames burst, lighting her cigarette. Kaiba jumped back in shock and so as not to combust.  
  
"Would you like a Kevorkian scarf, sir?" She offered coldly. "They're complimentary."  
  
"No, I would not like a fucking Kevorkian scarf," He snapped. "Where. Is. Satan."  
  
Debra took a long drag off her cigarette. 


End file.
